TW: Mental health topics, please read safely!,
Ordered from least to most recent
Hey there! Thanks for coming along. I hope you enjoy my website.
Today was a usual school day. I'm not a fan of thursday's classes, but i have been starting to enjoy more things lately. Surprisingly, doing poetry in english has been really enjoyable. I didn't like it much in the past, but now i'm having fun with the creative freedom. Today we worked on some blackout/found poetry. Mine read "scratching at his reflection, he couldn't identify it a n y m o r e". It's not as meaningful as could be since it was a random text, but i like it.
My ex-friend is being rude to everyone still. i was travelling home with another friend and my ex-friend (let's call her bee) was also going with her. Bee has seemed to hate me ever since i pointed out how she was treating people. it sucks. i just want everyone to feel okay. She was being really avoidant and rude to the both of us. it's alright though. we'll get through it.
I'm excited for tomorrow, we get a free dress day. I'll wear something fun. Although i'm saving the halloween costume for when i go to my friend's house on saturday. It's a grim reaper costume i got maybe 2 years ago.
I'm a little sleepy now, so see you next time
Hi again! I'm in class right now. I just had the long weekend, it was really fun. I've started sewing a new bag for my school books and stuff, since my current one is kind of falling apart. It's the first sewing project i've taken up in a while and i hope it goes well! Although I have discovered it can be hard to cut a straight line. And the good scissors are missing :( at least the ones I do have work alright.
I do need to learn to pace myself though, almost fainted at ikea waiting to eat meatballs. My heart rate goes silly high when i'm standing and it really got to me this time... At least i've been having more fun than in the past. Finally engaging in some of my abandoned hobbies!
Just gotta get through the day now. The seat i'm sitting on kinda sucks... Probably more so i need to work on my posture. One more class and i'm out of here!! And it's art, so that's good. Only problem is my attendance because it means i'm behind all the time. I've finished my sketch for the final piece, so i think i'll be painting today. Although I still need to map out the canvas before that.
Wishing everyone luck for the rest of their own day
I'm so tired arghhhhhh... Been nodding off the whole day. It's not like i get bad sleep or anything tho. Either way, i'll get through it. I'll go home early if i really need to. At least i'm mostly up do date with all my work. Although i have a math exam coming up and i need to work on revising because i accidentally wasted a lesson writing notes that didn't really help..
Anyways, i've got some free class time now so i'll work on the site's format for a while :)
It's monday, and the last one before we have headstart for next year! The math exam is tomorrow, but i think this week will be fairly chill otherwise. I didn't get to do much revision over the weekend but i have a math class today so it's all good. I'm glad things are starting to relax a bit.
I don't think i have much else to say today, but maybe i'll come back later.
Hello. turns out i ended up sick for most of the week and missed the exam. all that studying goes to waste... they won't make me take it since im not being assessed. Oh well, at least i'm feeling better now. i feel good. but maybe not. i don't know. I'm still wanting to hurt myself and such, even though i feel okay. i still question whether i deserve to be here or if it'd be better for everyone if i weren't.
I feel weird. empty but not. somethings wrong but things are also right. maybe i'll try a new medication. maybe this isn't the one either. i don't really want to let go of it yet though. but that's fine because it'll be a while till i see my therapist again and things. i just hope it's possible for me to be better.
Hey there! no way i'm getting to sleep while it's this humid so i thought i'd pop in again. today's been good. i went to the beach for a little, and i also got to see the baby bird that's being raised outside my house right now. it's so cute and fluffy. I'm hoping to figure out what type of bird it is, especially since i got a new book all about australian birds! it's really big, and kind of old too since i got it from my grandmother
I'm kind of glad it's nearly summer. i do prefer spring as always but summer is similar in a way, other than some scorching hot days. it means it'll be the end of the school year, then christmas, then new year's! I think i have roughly 15 days of school left right now? and it's all headstart classes for next year. our timetables came out today. honestly they kinda suck, at least mine does more than last year. mostly bad teachers and i've only got one class with my boyfriend. plus im with the math teacher i've been with for 2 years now and i cannot stand her. she was defending trump during the election, and she's really loud. i might ask to move classes especially if i'm not with any friends.
I'm slowly starting to pick up my hobbies again which is nice. during my mental health crisis last year everything just kind of stopped. i stopped playing music, i stopped swimming, i stopped drawing in my free time, i stopped playing hockey, i basically stopped everything that makes me feel like a human instead of some machine dragging along. i think it was probably important to stop for a while to prioritise other basic things, but it hurt having lost so much once i was feeling better. I don't know if i'll ever be able to have commitments in the same way that i used to without falling apart, but i'm glad it doesn't all have to go. i finally touched my piano after months.
It bothers me that i don't know what life is meant to feel like. i don't know what normal is. all i know is that the way things are for me everything breaks and i need to do something different. but why's it like this? am i just unable to cope with what everyone deals with? am i waking up feeling more horrible than most people could imagine? is it my fault? does it matter whether i am experiencing anything different or not? Is it an inconvenience to people around me whether or not there's any reason? i don't know what i'm meant to do. i feel guilty. guilty for existing. guilty for bothering or costing anyone anything at all, afraid i'm not allowed to and i don't deserve to.
I don't want to die because i can't bear the world around me. i want to die because i'm afraid i'm making other people's world worse. maybe there's worse people than me. what does that matter though? just because i'm not the worst i shouldn't go? maybe my guilt is the problem. but i don't think i'll ever get rid of it. i hate myself.
I hope this is my last night. i'm done with it. i gave my shot at getting help but it seems like that won't be enough. i'm contacting a helpline before i go as one last step. i'll probably fail, won't i? but not this time. i want to do it for real. i need to stop being a wuss.
It'll be like the last times. ill grab a jumper and socks. i'll tip toe down the stairs and leave the house as quietly as possible. i'll have to walk for a while. and then i'll be gone by the loud cars that race throughout the night.
I'm sorry for the dissapointment. i know so many people want me to stay in their lives. but i need to do this. it's like ripping a bandaid off. it'll hurt, but it's important and the pain will pass.
the police caught me before i could do it. my boyfriend broke up with me. ill be staying at a ward on monday.
i'm so fucking mad im sick of it i hate myself when im angry i hate everything im so done what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkuuuuuuugggggghhhhhh
Gotta make it till christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
I'm alg aha