TW: Mental health topics, please read safely!,
Ordered from least to most recent. Lowkey the older writing sucks read it if u want the full story but maybe skip it
Hey there! Thanks for coming along. I hope you enjoy my website.
Today was a usual school day. I'm not a fan of thursday's classes, but i have been starting to enjoy more things lately. Surprisingly, doing poetry in english has been really enjoyable. I didn't like it much in the past, but now i'm having fun with the creative freedom. Today we worked on some blackout/found poetry. Mine read "scratching at his reflection, he couldn't identify it a n y m o r e". It's not as meaningful as could be since it was a random text, but i like it.
My ex-friend is being rude to everyone still. i was travelling home with another friend and my ex-friend (let's call her bee) was also going with her. Bee has seemed to hate me ever since i pointed out how she was treating people. it sucks. i just want everyone to feel okay. She was being really avoidant and rude to the both of us. it's alright though. we'll get through it.
I'm excited for tomorrow, we get a free dress day. I'll wear something fun. Although i'm saving the halloween costume for when i go to my friend's house on saturday. It's a grim reaper costume i got maybe 2 years ago.
I'm a little sleepy now, so see you next time
Hi again! I'm in class right now. I just had the long weekend, it was really fun. I've started sewing a new bag for my school books and stuff, since my current one is kind of falling apart. It's the first sewing project i've taken up in a while and i hope it goes well! Although I have discovered it can be hard to cut a straight line. And the good scissors are missing :( at least the ones I do have work alright.
I do need to learn to pace myself though, almost fainted at ikea waiting to eat meatballs. My heart rate goes silly high when i'm standing and it really got to me this time... At least i've been having more fun than in the past. Finally engaging in some of my abandoned hobbies!
Just gotta get through the day now. The seat i'm sitting on kinda sucks... Probably more so i need to work on my posture. One more class and i'm out of here!! And it's art, so that's good. Only problem is my attendance because it means i'm behind all the time. I've finished my sketch for the final piece, so i think i'll be painting today. Although I still need to map out the canvas before that.
Wishing everyone luck for the rest of their own day
I'm so tired arghhhhhh... Been nodding off the whole day. It's not like i get bad sleep or anything tho. Either way, i'll get through it. I'll go home early if i really need to. At least i'm mostly up do date with all my work. Although i have a math exam coming up and i need to work on revising because i accidentally wasted a lesson writing notes that didn't really help..
Anyways, i've got some free class time now so i'll work on the site's format for a while :)
It's monday, and the last one before we have headstart for next year! The math exam is tomorrow, but i think this week will be fairly chill otherwise. I didn't get to do much revision over the weekend but i have a math class today so it's all good. I'm glad things are starting to relax a bit.
I don't think i have much else to say today, but maybe i'll come back later.
Hello. turns out i ended up sick for most of the week and missed the exam. all that studying goes to waste... they won't make me take it since im not being assessed. Oh well, at least i'm feeling better now. i feel good. but maybe not. i don't know. I'm still wanting to hurt myself and such, even though i feel okay. i still question whether i deserve to be here or if it'd be better for everyone if i weren't.
I feel weird. empty but not. somethings wrong but things are also right. maybe i'll try a new medication. maybe this isn't the one either. i don't really want to let go of it yet though. but that's fine because it'll be a while till i see my therapist again and things. i just hope it's possible for me to be better.
Hey there! no way i'm getting to sleep while it's this humid so i thought i'd pop in again. today's been good. i went to the beach for a little, and i also got to see the baby bird that's being raised outside my house right now. it's so cute and fluffy. I'm hoping to figure out what type of bird it is, especially since i got a new book all about australian birds! it's really big, and kind of old too since i got it from my grandmother
I'm kind of glad it's nearly summer. i do prefer spring as always but summer is similar in a way, other than some scorching hot days. it means it'll be the end of the school year, then christmas, then new year's! I think i have roughly 15 days of school left right now? and it's all headstart classes for next year. our timetables came out today. honestly they kinda suck, at least mine does more than last year. mostly bad teachers and i've only got one class with my boyfriend. plus im with the math teacher i've been with for 2 years now and i cannot stand her. she was defending trump during the election, and she's really loud. i might ask to move classes especially if i'm not with any friends.
I'm slowly starting to pick up my hobbies again which is nice. during my mental health crisis last year everything just kind of stopped. i stopped playing music, i stopped swimming, i stopped drawing in my free time, i stopped playing hockey, i basically stopped everything that makes me feel like a human instead of some machine dragging along. i think it was probably important to stop for a while to prioritise other basic things, but it hurt having lost so much once i was feeling better. I don't know if i'll ever be able to have commitments in the same way that i used to without falling apart, but i'm glad it doesn't all have to go. i finally touched my piano after months.
It bothers me that i don't know what life is meant to feel like. i don't know what normal is. all i know is that the way things are for me everything breaks and i need to do something different. but why's it like this? am i just unable to cope with what everyone deals with? am i waking up feeling more horrible than most people could imagine? is it my fault? does it matter whether i am experiencing anything different or not? Is it an inconvenience to people around me whether or not there's any reason? i don't know what i'm meant to do. i feel guilty. guilty for existing. guilty for bothering or costing anyone anything at all, afraid i'm not allowed to and i don't deserve to.
I don't want to die because i can't bear the world around me. i want to die because i'm afraid i'm making other people's world worse. maybe there's worse people than me. what does that matter though? just because i'm not the worst i shouldn't go? maybe my guilt is the problem. but i don't think i'll ever get rid of it. i hate myself.
I hope this is my last night. i'm done with it. i gave my shot at getting help but it seems like that won't be enough. i'm contacting a helpline before i go as one last step. i'll probably fail, won't i? but not this time. i want to do it for real. i need to stop being a wuss.
It'll be like the last times. ill grab a jumper and socks. i'll tip toe down the stairs and leave the house as quietly as possible. i'll have to walk for a while. and then i'll be gone by the loud cars that race throughout the night.
I'm sorry for the dissapointment. i know so many people want me to stay in their lives. but i need to do this. it's like ripping a bandaid off. it'll hurt, but it's important and the pain will pass.
the police caught me before i could do it. my boyfriend broke up with me. ill be staying at a ward on monday.
i'm so fucking mad im sick of it i hate myself when im angry i hate everything im so done what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkuuuuuuugggggghhhhhh
Gotta make it till christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
I'm alg aha
Sooooooo... Worst breakup ever. spent my summer holidays in the psych ward. i'm being bullied by bee. i'm exhausted and it's only the second week of school. fuck. i feel like nobody truly cares about me. i care about myself for once, and now this? fuck this. i really want to hurt myself but i dont have anything good to use.
I'm so heartbroken. we were best friends for 4 years and in a relationship for 7 months, but it's like he doesn't give a shit about me. i tried to talk to him about it and he says he's not going to apologise. who fucking breaks up with someone the day they attempted? and he sent the rudest shit ever when i asked him why he wanted to break up. he's told me to leave him alone but it's so hard. i cared about him so fucking much and he just tosses me away in the most brutal way possible.
I didn't get to do anything that fun over the holidays, obviously. luckily i was in some wards which were really great and i made lots of friends but nothing can make a psych ward truly good. i felt like shit. we all felt like shit. i felt isolated and like i was missing out on so much. i wasn't there for the end of the school year.
bee, who i mentioned in like my first entry here, is being an absolute bitch. she gets really mad when one of our friends sits with me in art class. she's glaring at me all the time. she whispers to everyone about me in front of my face. i've reported it to the school but nothing is happening yet. i have to sit alone in art while all my other friends are having fun together.
I can't keep up with school work at all. i'm writing this instead of doing math right now and i'm skipping next period. it feels like someone has replaced my skin with stones. i can't keep dragging myself around. i'm not even doing the things i'm meant to be doing, i'm just making it believable enough for my parents and such. i can't keep up no matter how much i try or how much my work is cut down. i'll never be happy with it.
Cya. i hope whoever reads this is able to survive their day.
I'm so fucking tired all the time and it just keeps getting worse. get me out of this hell. i don't do the things i want to do. i dont to the things i dont want to do. i dont do anything at all. i sit. i close my eyes. i sleep. i don't sleep. i exist. exist. still. nothing. sweat. aching. nothing. i want to be normal, but kill me if i ever am. who am i if not my struggles?
Hey there. god my fucking bladder sucks rn im totally gonna piss myself its so embarrassing. ANYWAYSSSS... i feel uhhhhhhhh... something. not real. weird. I feel like i dont fit in with the rest of the world. i'm skipping a science test rn. freaked out and left the classroom. hooray, me.. it's only first period and i'm already skipping?? i'm still so tired, as usual.
cya.
Hey. I was in the psych ward for all of the holidays again. It was pretty chill and I got some new meds which actually helped, unlike the hundreds other I've tried. I can finally do some stuff. but still not enough, and mostly only the wrong things. I think there's something wrong physically too. I'm suspecting POTS because my heart rate standing is fucking stupid and i'm so fucking tired all the goddamn time. sorry. it really is a pain being unable to do all these things i'm so desperate to do and all the people around me want me to do.
Right now i'm in math not doing any work and i can't wait to go home. i'm exempt from sport so i get to go home early today. i've also got an appointment to get a referral for sessions with my new psychologist. I can't wait to get out of here. I really hate school, it feels like it's just getting worse and worse.
On a lighter note, there's this girl i really like and she likes me back! we are waiting to get to know each other better and stuff before we get into a relationship but i'm really excited and i love her. we already kissed a few times but i think we are pausing that stuff for the moment, it kind of just happened before we got to think about it much. hey if you're reading this!
The new meds really helped my motivation. It makes it possible for me to do some of the easier tasks i actually enjoy like crochet. I made a star shaped bag, i finished it just today and it's sitting next to me right now. if i get a chance i'll put a photo of it in the gallery. I also made a few beanies for my friends. Another thing i've been able to do is play guiter, which i picked up over the holidays. my dad was kind enough to lend me his first guitar. i think i just heard someone say "i hate (my name)" but uhhh whatever... another reason why i hate school. the people outside my friend group are absolute bitches who make fun of people and other stuff all the time.
anyways, i gtg soon so i'll see you another time. i hope you all have a good day!
I feel shit todayyyyyyyyyyyy. It started yesterday and is continuing on. i feel sick of everything. i don't want to feel this way. i want it all to stop. i want nothingness. I'm in english and as per usual i don't think i can do this work. it's just overwhelming and anxiety inducing. it makes me feel like i'm not good enough. i can never shake that feeling, no matter how well i'm doing. i'll never be perfect. maybe nobody is, but it hurts and i feel like i'll only ever be enough if i am. i could at least be better. i'm pathetic, really. as they say, so much potential, all wasted, on me being a crybaby who can't handle shit.
I wish i wasn't this way. I can do so much yet so little. i just want to function normally. to not feel sad all the time without knowing why. i want to feel the sun on my skin and not think it burns. i want to feel the wind and not think it's cold. I see everything through a dark lens glued to my eyes, painful and ugly. nobody likes how i am either. snorting shit off the ground, secondhand smoke, it all makes me worse. bleeding through tissues, crying through sleeves, i'm moist, your least favourite word. cross the road without looking, don't do anything all day, I don't care enough for me or you. it doesn't even rhyme, i write without thinking, i'm careless.
Maybe you think i care too much about you all. maybe that's how i look on the outside. people pleasing and all. but without caring for myself, i don't care for anyone.
I'm back in the same day, this is a couple hours after the last paragraph. i'm annoyed i forgot to bring my crochet to school today. it gives me something to do. i can write here in my free periods instead though. it's just a problem when i run out of things to say. i've got two periods of doing nothing in a row on this day so i'll have to keep myself entertained. if i get bored enough, maybe i'll actually do some work.
I've been listening to femtanly a lot recently. the noise helps me keep going and lets out the noise stuck in my head. speaking of noise in my head, the other me who i'm calling crow has been pretty silent. makes sense given my mostly good mood. i don't know if it's healthy for them to be completely away though, depending on what kind of other me it is. could be an alter, could be something else that matters less. I keep on forgetting about this stuff, maybe it's nothing but it's also a little suspicion. i want to work together with crow to be healthier, but i know i need to give it some time.
i can't remember if i've mentioned crow before. they are the version of me that reallllly hates me. If that part of me is in control, i can't do shit. he'll do whatever he wants with our body, and everyone else including me has to deal with the harm. I just want to be safe but i feel like i can't do anything about it. that's why i want to try communicating more with crow to figure out compromises or just something else that will harm us less.
anyways. i'll figure shit out. there is hope for the future to be better or at least a little bit good, even if there's lots of bad too.
I'm in english class. Outside of this journal, i can barely handle writing things. i get too anxious. sometimes i write in my secret language, but barely ever english. Maybe it's about the judgement. i'm scared that if my soul bears too close to the paper, i will be judged. i'm scared that i'm not good enough. i can't afford to know even if my writing is fine. I want to be loved yet i am too scared to show myself, and be loved for who i am.
I'm trying my best to be lovable, yet in return i do not experience the love. the false self that i have created does. it's simply a shell around me that blocks all the love i could possibly experience. I've done the opposite of what i'm trying to do. it's all fake. i'm not quiet, i'm not shy, i'm not polite, i'm not soft, i'm just scared. it shouldn't be valued. yet everyone loves it. not me.
i want to write on this page, but my mind becomes just as blank as it when i try. my mind won't allow me to write, no matter how bad i want to. it's like when i try to speak about certain things. there's a wall. i'm not allowed to pass it. if i do, it'll be painul.
I'm feeling good today. i think i really did just need a rest. for a couple days, i came home and slept until dinner. i stayed home for a day after that because my alarm didn't go off, i wasn't waking up when my parents told me to get up and a rest was much needed anyways. I don't know if a good day really means that the problems are "gone" but i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts anyways.
I think if i had one word to describe how i feel today, it's passionate. i'm excited about my hobbies and i'm happy about my maybe-girlfriend. I'm crocheting dolls for us and we talked a lot this morning before i had to go to school. I'll give her the code name Emerald here. i really like green, as you can probably tell by my site. I'm so happy to even be friends with her, if we decide later that a relationship isn't a good idea. I love her smile and she's always so nice to be around.
I'm glad my meds are letting me engage in my hobbies again. I've crocheted a lot recently and i feel that i've gotten pretty good at it which i'm proud of. i'm so excited to finish the dolls for Emerald and i. she said she'd like to keep the one that looks like me, which i'm glad about. Right now i've just made hers, and i'm working on getting all the hair in. it's kind of a pain in the ass filling the bald spots but it's totally worth it. if i remeber, i might put them in the gallery.
We might not be together yet, but i'm totally in love and enjoying it a lot. it's nice having someone to care about and dedicate my creations to. This morning we talked about a project she's going to start, it's around storytelling in music videos i'm pretty sure. she's going to recruit other girls around our age who are passionate about this kind of stuff and make some really cool content together. she said i can help out if i want, so i'm excited to see where it goes!
I'm also really getting into guitar. i really enjoy this method of expression, it feels so satisfying that the sounds are coming from my own hands. usually i'm listening to music rather than playing it, just like right now. Emerald found a cool band so i've been listening to it this morning. music is kind of my way of survivng, especially at school. the place is full of overwhelming sound, so blocking it out with something more beautiful really helps. it's also a good emotional outlet, which i don't have many of. Back to guitar, i'm so happy with it. i love feeling the roughness of my fingertips and having a reason to keep my nails short.
I'm feeling positive today. i might be sick, but im not totally in the dumps. it's raining, but i'm really enjoying it. i love the sound and the feeling. the only downside is the cold, but right now i'm inside and wearing a cozy rain jacket.
Today is good, like yesterday. i'm almost pissing my pants right now though. i don't know what it is but every time i put my laptop in my lap my bladder freaks out. anyways, enough embarrasing stuff... maybe this website is triggering and i'm so scared i wanna piss??? i thought i was gonna stop talking about this... ok. anyways, i'm just chilling, skipping japanese rn because we have a presentation and my partner isn't even here so there's no way im going. next class is wellbeing and we have a yoga session wahooooo! then i'm finally seeing a new therapist.
Today is free dress! i get to be myself again, instead of stuck in the stupid uniform. I'm wearing my BABYMETAL shirt and the bolero i made! aaaand i can't stop rubbing my face even when i have makeup on (a rare occurence!). to be fair it's just eyeshadow but like.. by the end of the day half of it is gonna be gone... anways i look cool and feel good so all is fine.
I'm so excited to have a therapist again! i know i really need to work through my shit so i'm glad i have the opportunity. he's a therapist i met while i was in hospital, he ran some of the group therapy. he's such a diva, he's really direct with people. it can be a little confronting but i think it's worth it. hopefully we can actually get somewhere, because i've been going to therapy for what, 5 years and it's really fucking slow to make any progress. i think this feels promising though, and i'm looking forward to having lots of time to speak rather than the dynamics of a group session.
I finished the hair on the doll of Emerald and made a beanie to cover some of the bald spots! it's super cute. i started working on the dress just now and i can't wait to see the results of all my work. off topic, i can see that the staff have donuts and i'm totally jealous... anyways, hopefully i'll work on the dress some more today and i also want to play some guitar. i think i should try learn some more songs to improve my skills. i've got riptide in my queue because it's super easy, but it'd be cool to find some more songs i'm actually a fan of. Billie Eilish has a lot i could do, and i've already learnt a few of her songs.
Goddd i can't stop picking at my scabs... it's just so satisfying ughh.. and we all know self harm is my coping mechanism/addiction. anyways, if i keep typing i won't do it. so i guess i'll talk about art class, which is like the only class i'm actually working in right now. at the moment we are working on cubism and making some collages in photoshop. i'm really having fun with it. sadly the piece which i'm really a fan of, my teacher said wasn't quite the goal, but who cares. i've got another one he liked so it's fine. i'm working off of the one he liked to create my third piece. i=we're only meant to make 3 but if i have time i might make more, to really perfect it. i just wish i took some more photos, they'd be useful for showing things from more angles/perspectives.
i think im gonna go work on my cubism stuff now. cya!
Hey everyone! who knows how many people actually read this though, lol. it's cool if you are here. I'm sitting in math. i should probably do some work but i might wait till next topic because i've missed a lot of this and yk what, fuck school. Today has had a bit of a different vibe, it feels old, like a few years ago. i woke up and the hallway lights were on like old times. i've got brown hair again. school made me have it one colour instead of the split i had before. i don't change much.
It all makes me think of what my therapist said, i'm pretty used to this now. i've been suicidal since 9. he was shocked about that but it feels like nothing to me. it's all i've ever known. a prickly, itchy blanket, but the only thing to keep me warm. sometimes things don't change. i still think the same. i'm still scared things will happen over again, like they always do, out of my control.
I do want to say on a more positive note, my new therapist is fucking awesome. he's made more progress in 1 hour than anyone has in 5 years. he already know's i'm "in the passenger seat" when i'm suicidal. it's something i've been trying to get out for ages and he managed to find it himself. on that note, i hate not having control over the thoughts. it's so scary. i don't know when it'll happen or if i'll be able to do anything about it.
I always feel like there's still a little traumatised kid inside me. maybe that's the part who wants to die, i don't know. but it feels stuck in time. foever crying in the playground, feeling guilty for what had happened. forever waiting for their friends to come back, who never will. I still fantasise about meeting them again, as i did so many years ago. that part of me will never grow up, as far as i know. god, i feel so sad now. i'm going to go crochet.
I feel lonely when i bleed. nobody usually knows when i bleed. it's lonely, soaking up your own blood, or washing it away, knowing nobody is there to care. sometimes i keep my bloody tissues, i don't know why. why do i need a reminder of it? is it to tell me that i am not loved enough, that it will be okay if i leave? i don't know. it's like how i don't want my scars to fade. who would ever want such a thing? why do i? it's just a mark of the pain. i guess there's that part of me who wants the pain. maybe they want to keep the reminder, so that they can hurt us again. god, i'm a mess.
My new therapist is going to ask me for my "life story" soon, probably next session, he says it's a thing he likes to do. all the significant parts of my life are the depressing ones. why don't we have a version of truama for happiness? i'd love to be scarred by warmth and love instead. Knowing it's coming up is making me think about my past a lot. how i've always been a bit odd, how i was tossed into pain over and over. how i've been the same way, destructive, for 5 years. how i kept a scorching secret for 2 years. how i never told anyone about anything important, god knows why. how i've always suffered in silence.
I don't cry loud. i suck up the tears as fast as i can and let my throat sting like my wounds. i don't let people know until the last moment, when my instincts are panicking trying to save me. I never told anyone when i was being bullied as a kid. i never told anyone how my mother was stuck in bed all day. i never told anyone i hadn't completed my schoolwork. i never told anyone how i was exhausted all the time, skating on thin ice, going to fall through at any moment. i've fallen through now, and nobody knows i'm freezing to my death down here.
Nobody knows. maybe one of them will read this, but will it be too late to save me? I feel like i am fleeting, there's no promise of whether i'll me here in a minute or two. i remember crying to my mum. "what if one day it's too late?". what if the part of me that wants to live has no choice, and they are gone? well, i feel sorry for them, but not really, i couldn't care less. i can feel them crying about it on the inside, but really there's not much of a choice for either of us, is there? i'm only doing what i think is right.
I felt shit yesterday. i still don't feel great, but i'm going to the beach with Emerald today. I've missed her, so i'm really looking forward to it. the rest of life feels unbearable though. I feel heavy, and it feels like a pain in the ass to do anything but sit there and breathe. my head hurts, and i'm falling apart. i've just got to make it through two more classes. i don't even have to do any work if i don't want to. as long as mum doesn't bug me about it. i wish i could handle more, it's pathetic really.
At least i have something to look forward to, otherwise i don't even know how bad i'd be right now. all i could think about last night was trying to harm myself one way or another. i didn't do anything because Emerald swooped in and made plans quick enough, but i don't know how the next week or so is looking. I just need to keep looking forward to things. thursdays i can buy myself something nice. friday i get free dress. the weekend is less tiring. next friday i see my therapist. i can do this.
God, i feel like shit though. it's hard to describe. it just really fucking sucks. it feels like i'm groaning and crying in pain on the inside. what even happened for me to feel this way? i cut down on so many things to avoid burnout yet i still end up like this, unable to do the bare minimum. i don't know the last time i brushed my teeth, and it's starting to become obvious. i don't wash my hair properly. i just sit under the water and stare into space. there's knots in my hair, i sleep too much, my attendance sucks and i'm pretty much just a failure.
I'm hanging in there. this morning all i felt was dread. it was like every part of me was screaming, not in pain, just plain suffering. i did have a horrible stomach ache though. i get them often on school monings. probably for psychological reasons but i don't really know anything about the aches still. i felt like i could faint from the pain, it's really a bother that it happens so often. i probably hold some trauma realted to that setting, i'm not sure specifically what though. it's been ongoing for years, since year 4. although when it first started, it was when i was actually at school, not before i arrive.
somehow after art class i'm actually doing okay. i don't know why the morning was so dreadful, maybe it was a warning but like fuck that??? I'm not going to listen to my body because if i did i don't know if i could make a living. Crochet and guitar has nowhere near as much promise in this society as a "proper" job/career. i wish i were one of the lucky ones. i'm a vahn gogh in a world that wants way more from me. he was depressed, he got to take time with his work, heck he cut off his ear, something i'd do. yet there's no space, money or fame for being him in the current world.
Seeing emerald was great. we watched the sunset together while listening to the band we both like, kurayamisaka. you'd think it was romantic, at least my friends would, but it was pretty platonic. i still really enjoyed it. i got to show her cool shells she hadn't seen any of before, and the doll i made of her. we watched some birds which looked like they might be migrating since there were so many of them. they were in those triangle formations, and about 5 big groups flew by in a row. i love her. and i'm happy to be whatever we are until we decide if we want to be together or not. i think she's a really great person and i love spending time with her.
I've been writing a lot recently, hey? i guess the meds are working. i still struggle to do the things i enjoy less though. i'll keep working towards it and hopefully one day i'll function like a normal person. i don't know if i ever will though, i can only hope. i am disabled and there is no "fixing" it. but maybe i can find the accomodations i need. first i need to figure out what the fuck is wrong though... i have a few diagnoses but there's still more to uncover and find the cause of. the main thing right now is my stupid heart rate. i'm suspecting POTS. mum better get me to that cardiologist soon.
And even with the things that are diagnosed, there's so much to unfold and figure out. just because i know what it is doesn't mean i'm coping any better. brush your teeth my ass. i still don't know how to make these feelings survivable or how to move past them. i'm still drowning in my unhealthy coping mechanisms and my safety is often at risk. i still can't remember the feelings which should be all i can remember. i still don't have control over all my actions. there's always more to do.
Damn, holy yap. anyways i think i'm all written out so i'll cya now. i might update the intro on my main page soon.
Guess who's back? i got a fucking substitute for the test im not doing, it pisses me off because they never know that i'm not doing the test and it just overcomplicates things. the fact they expect that i'm doing the test make me feel like i'm not doing good enough. it's a reminder that i'm below average. it makes me feel like shit.
Hey there. it's the start of the day and i'm in math. we have a test but i don't do tests so it's basically free time. i think i'll try to actually do some work today though. next is japanese, which i'm passionate about so i'll try my best to get something done. although, my close friend in that class is away so that kinda sucks. i think he's struggling with his mental health and now his parents are making a fuss over it which means he hasn't been allowed to go to school much.
Today is a friday during may, which means i get free dress! i've got a mohawk, hehe. i always have the sides of my head shaved but i don't put it up often. i didn't use hairspray so it isn't very high up but it still looks cool. my mum says it looks kinda 80's. oh yeah, this morning with her was really funny. she was saying how the "emo" makeup makes me look pale and said "my poor pale baby.." LMAO. i'm fine, mum!!
Hopefully i do get some stuff done. sadly i can't have noise cancelling without squashing my hair but i still brought my headphones in case. anyways, i'm wearing my earbuds w a wire so i still have music but it's kinda obvious that i have my phone which isn't allowed, haha. it's not like i typically use it in class or anything, i still follow the rules. i just want my tunes, man. i wish there was a socket in my watch for headphones but it's only bluetooth. i really want an mp3 player, they are so cool and convenient.
I'm gonna try my best today. i really want to get back to doing classwork because i feel kinda lame and bored without it. on a not of boredom, i lost my fucking crochet hook and haven't been able to work on the dolls for Emerald and i. but on a better note, she might come over on the weekend! i live close to the grocery store so we might go there and get some stuff :) she hasn't replied to my texts yet, so i hope she's doing alright.
Hmmmm i wanna write more but idk waht to write... oh yeah, i'm listening to a big ol playlist of riot grrl music rn. filled w all the essentials :) If you don't know about riot grrl, it's a subgenre of punk! it's centred around women (and gender diverse people). it was formed because punk spaces were really dominated by men and were even hostile towards women. It often discusses the partiarchy and misogyny, and stands up for equal rights. oh, and fuck what's happening in america right now. it'd be a perfect time for riot grrl to get louder, but a lot of it is buried in the past, since it was formed around the 90's. it's fucking sickening that they are getting rid of women's voting rights. why go backwards after all this time?!
On the note of that, something i think about a lot when i'm not struggling is how fucked up the world is right now. i mean, there's too many things to list. lack of rights, war, climate change, billionares, violence all round, there's so much. once i'm stable i want to make fighting these things a big part of my life. i want to be an activist. and hey, if i ever get rich i'll donate all that shit!!!!! The problems are everywhere, whether you look at the small thing or big things, and we need to take action.
Urk i get so anxious when people near me are joking around, i get anxious that they are making fun of me. some boys next to me are trying to communicate with eachother silently and god it's torture. i already do get made fun of on the occasion, i'm just weird and people don't like that. i got made fun of for saying excuse me when some boys were blocking the pathway??? how is that even worth making fun of??? get out of the way, dumbasses. when i was in a different house group, which i happily moved from, almost all of them made fun of me. when i walked over to the lockers they'd start saying "ugh, i hate gay people" and "ugh, i hate mohawks." it's just bitchy, what's the need? And what makes me sad is that i'm not even the most targeted. there are people i know who've had it way worse.
Heeeey. i didn't post yesterday because i was stuck in bed all day. i'm genuinely fucked. i'm exhausted all the freaking time. i feel like shit today, i wish i could've taken another day off. my "tired" isn't just tired at all. it's feeling like i'm dragging boulders around 24/7, so tired that even breathing feels like an effort. i'm done with it. but it's not like i can just escape it, either. i mean. i can end it all, but that's a pain in the ass and i don't really feel like it right now. Mum says she doesn't know when we are seeing the cardiologist. i REALLY need to see them. i need a fix, help, or at least validation. i need support, it's hell over here.
I'm so tired and it just keeps getting worse. i need more and more rest. i feel like i'm hanging on the edge with my mental health too. at least i see my therapist on friday, but gosh, will i make it?? i can't predict it and i'm too scared to reach out. i feel ashamed and guilty when i'm not doing great. i don't want to bother anyone else. Maybe one day i'll share this website with my therapist, that might help. but what if i get too scared to post then? whatever, future me problems.
I'm so sick of my problems. i just want to be able to stand without feeling like i'm dying. i want to go to school regularly like everyone else. i want to be able to enjoy things more. i want it all gone. i don't want to have to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms because nothing else is working. i feel pathetic. i feel like i barely compare to evryone else. i feel small and unworthy of all the love i recieve.
am i worth anything? am i good enough? i don't feel like it. i feel so heavy. i do want to die. i'd love it.
Heeeey some of my writing yesterday got deleted but i guess i had an attempt... it obviously didn't work. i honestly dont know how it didn't, i won't go into detail but i was pretty thorough.. anyways kinda got an extra hole in my body now??? it aint even bleeding it's just there. i'll probably go at it again if i find anything to use... sorry. anyways, i feel like shit. the fatigue just get worse.
I'm so exhausted it nearly feels like pain. oh, and i am also in pain for other reasons. my back hurts from the stomach ache i had. plus i always have random aches all over sooo that's there. i want to be fixed. i'm sick of waiting. i'm sick of the months it takes to get an appointment with anyone who could help. i need something quick. i know what it is. i'll reach it eventually.
Today i'm feeling a bit better. i'm still not awesome, but i do feel better than i was. i feel a bit stessed, like my head is filled with too much, but i'm not having as many negative thoughts. i see my therapist later. nearly thought i wouldn't make it to the second session, but here i am. i hope it will relieve some of the stuff going on.
I don't think i have much to say today, so cya.
I feel kind of.. solemn? like i'm looking at life through a blank lens. plain, simple, dull. things are kind of beautiful. it's hard to describe. i feel like i'm reflecting on everything, spending a little time in my own mind. in the title of this entry, is a line from the song i'm listening to right now. i found the name of it recently and now i'm just... feeling it, until it runs dry. it's "child psychology" by black box recorder. it's a bit different from my life, but i relate to it. i've been thinking about my childhood a lot since last therapy session.
the first section or probably verse i guess, is talking about a child who stopped talking, simply because they didn't want to, and maybe prefered their inner world. in year 4, right before shit hit the fan, i cut my long hair which everyone loved short and decided i would slowly stop talking to everyone. of course, i got distracted by all the trauma and didn't go through with it, but it seems like something odd was happening in my mind. i guess i thought it'd be easier. i think i kind of wanted to retreat into my inner world, where it life was painless and fun.
The second verse is about the child being uninterested at school.. i feel like that child at the moment. i don't really do work. although, in truth, i am interested, i don't have time or energy for this all. and hey, crow thinks i don't deserve to enjoy learning anyways, so it's a nice self-sabotage for him. i don't do shit. i sleep, listen to music, write here, draw, whatever. i'm in my own world.
The last verse is about the child coming home to a welcoming family, however they start fighting again seconds later. my parent's dont fight eachother or me, but they kind of have one sided arguments with me. telling me to get up, shouting, screaming, while i cry on the floor, unable to do anything. they are just as frustrated as i am with myself. they don't understand that i don't want this either. i love them. they love me. but they also hate me. i know it. i'm a pain in the ass and i'll never live up to what they expect from me. this is love, but is it really?
I also recently discovered house of puso. i like it. it's a good representantion of trauma and how it affects you later on. i don't have the same trauma shown in house of puso, but the coping mechanisms and stuff feels relatable. i think the animation also has a lot of charm, it's kind of cute. it shows the feelings in a way that i understand. the overwhelm and disgust around your own imperfections, the darkness taking over everything, the self destruction. i like the scene where puso makes a mess with all the eye juice stuff. it reminds me of how i am when i self harm. smiling, feeling joy while ruining things for myself, followed by realisation and panic
I feel that draw towards my inner world again. the temptation to shut everything out, and live in an imaginary world. it's comforting. i can have anything i want in my own world. it's like the game omori. sunny escapes to his inner world where he can have fun with his friends all day, where nothing bad had happened like in the real world. i mean, that coping mechanism fails in the end, but it's still so appealing. even just for a second.
speaking of omori, i fucking love that game and you should play it. i haven't yet because my parents are strict abt age restrictions so last time i asked i was too young. they probably don't want me interacting with a game that has such dark topics, but i think it could even be beneficial for me. i relate to sunny so much. we share guilt, that has caused us pain for years and years. we might have done something quite different, but to me it feels about equal. it's something that we kept a secret. that we could never tell anyone, because it was so painful.
I'm gonna save some yapping for later, so cya for now. i have a lot to say today!
Hello. this is entity. not who you were speaking to before. same body, different person. i'm bored and i don't want to be in this class. i don't want to expend our energy on this work. our current appearance kind of sucks, i don't see myself in my reflection. at least these hands are mine. maybe i should get a better name. nothing else really suits though. void? i don't know. it's noisy. my noise cancelling headphones ran out of battery. at least i can still use my other ones, but they don't block anything out. our host, who you were speaking to before, hasn't wanted to be out a lot today. they keep on shutting out. too bad it means the rest of us end up in control.
I don't like being out for long periods of time, i'm not really suited to talking with people who know us. nobody knows this me. entity. most people don't even know there's more of us. by the way, i won't mention our host's name because it's the name we use irl. i'm a bit anxious about lunch. i don't want to force our host out, but it'll be awkward for me to be in the body with our friends. i'm not really good at the fun stuff, i'm just here to get basic needs met. i could bother lily to come out, but she's shy about our friends too. maybe i'll just go somewhere else so that i don't see our friends.
I don't want to isolate us either though, and what if our host is gone for more than a day? god what am i gonna do around our parents, it'll take so much energy faking, won't it? we don't really have protocol for our host being away. usually it's crow who takes over but it'll be a risk to the body if we let him have control and usually he gets noticed anyways. i keep worrying we are faking or something but we aren't doing anything on purpose, and we wouldn't be worried about faking if we were.
Right now, i just have lots of questions about my experience and possibly being a system. it's all so confusing. by the way, this is the host again. i think my body or another layer of my mind still doesn't want me to know about this all, i can feel some resistance against me thinking about it. i start to dissociate. funny that the dissociation just proves my point even more. i want to improve our communication and learn to cope with this all and maybe use it more to my advantage.
It's so hard to tell what's what. i might look for some more advice in a forum or something. i'd love to step back from being a host for a while, but yesterday proved nobody else is really ready to step up to the challenge. i get it. it's a big job. but i feel it might be more manageable for us if it's not just me. maybe in non-social situations i can ask some of our current alters to step in. i think socialising is the main worry for them. we aren't ready for people to notice the differences in our behaviour yet. we'd prefer to know for sure/have a diagnosis before doing that.